Bye, snake.

You put a snake in its place,

Throw it out of your garden.

It will go back to its former victims and pretend like it never bit them.

You watch,

And you see the snake start to wrap itself around, holding them tightly.

This snake knows it is not welcome in my yard anymore.

💩🤭

It is the ones like that, to simply summarise them – they suck your guts out while injecting their nasty venom in you.

Once you escape, go to the doctor and get that antivenom.

I almost feel like trampling on this snakes tail but that immature version of me must learn that is not the right answer for now.

I’m watching this snake scurry its way back to all the people it bit. I listened to this snake speak shit about its prey. Once I took myself away that was it for the snake. It officially ran out of people to feast on, to strangle, to poison.

A part of me wants to do as it did but a bigger part of me knows that eventually people notice how ugly the snake actually is. It is definitely not my job to say anything. I’m just going to let them do their thing.

The most important realization for me is that I have broken at least this particular cycle with this dodgy snake.

What a predictable and desperate move it makes when forced to. How starved is it? If I take a peek, its fridge is empty. Its burrow is cold and also empty. It likes to trap things and squeeze them until they screech, it’s the only way it feels less alone.

🤫🐍

….

So many people, so many times have tried to tell me something like this. I ignored them or I did not notice it.

Well…

All I care about is I don’t give a fuck about this snake because this snake bit me too many fucking times for me to even want to try to understand it.

And all this snake does is complain about me never being good enough for it. As if constantly drugging myself with antivenom is not a sign that I was trying. This snake constantly and I fucking mean constantly manipulated me, bullied me, used me, lied to me and all the other crappy negative shit a human-snake would do.

This snake didn’t and doesn’t care about your problems. All it cares about is itself and making sure you know how much better it is than you or how much worse off it is than you. You can’t win with this snake unless you are stroking it’s scales. Let me tell you that stuff is slimy.

It ain’t good.

And it will stick to you until you learn how to stand up for yourself, it will even punish you for doing what is best for you.

So don’t even worry if you know a snake, they don’t have any fucking legs so they can’t stand as tall as you. All they can do is stick their neck up high, and bend around to eat their own backsides.

🕊

I feel free though. I love it when the trash takes itself out. And I do love that little expression.

🌻🐝

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Won’t. not. will

I won’t force anything anymore,

I won’t pretend to fit in,

I’m not doing it if I don’t want to.

I’m not explaining myself more than I have to.

I’ll be ok if I’m by myself.

Old tests

Part of moving on is just that. Moving on. I will not put myself in old positions because of how I’m feeling. I know that things can and will improve even if right now my garden is full of weeds and overgrown mess.

The grass is dying and the trees are sick but it can be healed, life can be fixed.

But I won’t bring in the termites just because I once fed them my foundation so I wouldn’t feel so lonely.

I’ve seen in many places this message about how the past will resurrect something once laid to rest as a way to test us to see our growth. Like when you’ve sworn off of smoking cigarettes but then you stumble across an unopened packet of your favorite. You pick it up, stare at it – maybe, even open it – probably take one out, put it to your mouth… light it, but then you suddenly throw it away before you even inhale it because you know you’re done.

Or maybe it goes the other way, you start again.

Or not.

Just because you had 1 little taste of an old thing doesn’t mean it has to take a permanent position in your life again.

I’ve been experiencing tests like these. I’m sure of it. Old things I’ve released (with much effort and patience) have quickly made a reappearance but I don’t need to hold on to those things anymore.

I can let go and I will and I have.

I don’t feel guilty,

I don’t feel confused,

I don’t feel sad about it

NOT ANYMORE BECAUSE

THESE THINGS,

THESE OLD THINGS BROUGHT ME SO MUCH PAIN AND FUCKING TURMOIL.

IT REALLY FUCKED MY FRAGILE MIND UP IN A TIME WHERE I WAS ALREADY STRUGGLING TO BREATHE,

SO I AM PROUD OF THIS NEW FUCKING STRENGTH

even if to others it seems drastic, or if I seem unforgiving or like I’m relentlessly holding onto a grudge,

Fuck that,

Because that whole time I was begging and pleading with certain things and situations to accommodate to my feelings and I was simply and constantly refused and rejected

So I did all this work myself to pull myself out of some shitstorm

And I may not have done it the right way, yeah, I am sure some people got hurt but so the fuck did I.

I will not be that person continually forgiving every one, changing my horrible habits, checking myself to make sure I’m being the bigger person just to keep people around who can’t do the same for me.

I want only those capable of admitting when they’re wrong, those capable of change,

I want to be in healing positions, I want to grow with the right ones, I want to be with people who do good to everyone and not just those who they think deserve it.

I thought it was not a good thing to change myself in these ways I know I have. I thought that was one sure way of me losing myself but it’s not. That is growth. My growth. My evolution. And I am still me.

But I will not ignore these tests being sent my way since I know the results from the last time.

Why the fuck would I repeat shit that doesn’t change while expecting a different result? That’s insanity…

I love how all this shit happens after I muster courage to blurt out how I am feeling, but it helps, and it just happens this way.

It helps to revisit stuff like things you’ve written or whatever old stuff from the past. You will remember something positive, negative, whatever it is, you’ll learn something again that you probably forgot. Or you could learn that you’ve changed and you don’t need to do that thing just because…because it’s okay that you do it differently this time or move on.

Peace,

Good luck to you in your life.

I cbb.

The pain I have endured is mostly emotional and even as I travel further in this life I was given, I feel like the pain gets heavier and deeper.

I try not to turn into a victim of life, I try to see why it happens to me, and to others, I try to explain to myself why this shit happens to people in the world. So I am able to continue on until my end.

I still feel like if I were stabbed multiple times I wouldn’t feel it because I feel like I already get stabbed throughout my life. That physical pain… is the same as the emotional pain.

Everyone tells me I’m a strong person, I am a good person to mine and them, but I don’t feel like it. I feel like a demon cast out of hell. I feel like heaven does not exist and nothing good wants to know me.

I do try to be the warmth, goodness and healing I wish to experience. It’s a constant battle with myself. I know how I think is what I will attract. It’s funny to me that I can attract some good but I’ll destroy it. And when I am the good then I am destroyed. So I ask myself now, and again, why am I bothering to be anything?

I have a few things keeping my feet planted on this beautiful, mysterious earth but one day those things will not need me anymore. I often find myself wishing I could speed up time while I’m telling myself to enjoy every precious, fleeting moment.

Lots of people believe we are given a life already planned out for us before our births and each life with its plan is given to us because we are the only ones who could handle it. I don’t know how much I believe that because some shit doesn’t make any sense or seems merciless for someone to experience.

Go way back in time and everyone talks about the balance in everything. The good and bad, the cause and effect, the why and how.

I want to stay in the euphoric moments, I want to live with that wide smile on my face because of happiness and delight. I want to hold hands while exchanging and absorbing each others energies.

I want to be who I am, how I am, free from opinions and judgement. Free from how they think I should live my life – I want to be free to be who I am without them thinking they know me, free from their control because they don’t think what I am doing matches up to what they expect from me.

I want to love everything around me and feel good. I want to work hard doing something I enjoy, I want to live in my fucking truth instead of pretending to be someone I am not.

I want to say no and fuck off. I want to say I don’t give a fuck because I gave all my fucks away when I shouldn’t have.

I want to look into your eyes and smile because I’ve already been pulled under by your current. I don’t want to be forced to acknowledge you, I don’t want to be forced to feel you or to be with you. I don’t want to be bribed by your charm. I don’t want to do something that did not happen naturally for me.

I’m sorry to all the souls I’ve hurt, I’m sorry to myself for not being firm enough. I’m happy I gave chances in places I was too afraid of but in that process I lost a lot of myself, I lost my will and my desire.

I thought aging was supposed to bring more clarity and wisdom but if I really think about myself, I feel like I’m just fucking up more and more as time goes on.

Going…

I did a bad thing and let my mind slip back to the absorption and adoption of other perspectives and I’m hurt and hurting.

I am not sure what I need to do since I feel like I’ve tried most of what they say and the other options I know aren’t going to work for me so I’m in this space where I feel like it’s just the space I’ll stay in for a while unless I try this one thing I’ve never dreamed of.

And this one thing requires the most self control that I’ve not held for long enough yet. It requires me to stop what I love because sometimes what I love is what causes pain. I’m not sure that this will work but I’ve not tried it yet.

I’m going to disappear for a while and I don’t know if I’ll come back and by back I mean in whatever form I used. That means I think I am done with this blog and with every thing else because I got to hibernate or something like that.

I keep mentioning my need for strength and stability yet I see and feel myself getting much further away from everything I want(ed).

My cousins can’t stand me, my aunt is tired of me. My dad and them are busy with their new life coming and busy with whatever they already had.

I had to quit my jobs and I’m barely making passing scores on projects, my health is weird right now like physically I feel like I’m on the verge of cracking in half and then crumbling back to dust and my mind is frustrated, fried, fucked up.

I think that’s why I have to do this thing and it really is super different of me because it’s going against what I love like I said it’s like an unnecessary necessary surgery but at least I know it’s just temporary.

They say one step at a time but my one step feels like 500 and I already have really stupid knees now so

Without delaying this part it is what it is now and I hope I’m right in this decision. Not sure if I’ll post anymore but if I really need to then I’ll just do it but honestly the 100% disappearance is important so.

I will be ok

I hope

And so will you if you want to and I hope you are and you do.

Healing really isn’t easy and lots of people will still hurt you while they know you’re trying to heal or they’ll say or do other negative things to you, mock how you heal and feel and they’ll judge you… try not to let them push you down further than you are, just keep trying to rise and also

Know that it doesn’t matter how long it takes just focus on that you are trying to improve your life and really focus on that. Do not compare yourself to another. Everyone’s journey is different.

Just try to be a good and healthy person who doesn’t mess with people no matter what. Keep karma clean. Bye.

Respect my sexuality too…

I’m just gonna put this here because I’m allowed to say wtf I want to say and I don’t want to hold it in anymore so here it is:

WHY DO PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO RESPECT THEIR SEXUALITY but THEY DISRESPECT MINE?

So I like real men and that’s just how I am. I kissed a girl before and I did not like it. I kissed a girl again and I still didn’t like it. So now the only time I happen to kiss a girl is when I’m like really really drunk and even then that doesn’t happen that often. And it does not mean anything to me, it’s just some fun and I probably never see them again. I don’t even need to explain this.

I’ve been bullied to believe that I am not straight and that I should like girls because those girls wanted me to. They even went so far as to send a tough fighter girl to threaten me if I didn’t date her. She said she would beat me up, she knew where I lived. How romantic?

That was a long time ago. But over the years I’ve experienced different things like people catfishing me pretending to be men, or them trying to get me drunk and to go home with them or they’re trying to get me to have sex with them, they’ve tried telling me I shouldn’t date men because all men are bad and women are better… etc. I’ve even had people try to tell me that I am confused and that I should accept the truth I am denying just because I told them I liked to watch some girl on girl action. Or I made some dirty and flirty jokes. Hah.

In the past, I had such a tough time I decided to become somewhat of a recluse and also mad at people because they could not accept me for me but they wanted me to accept them. I still am withdrawn and to myself because it’s simply less hassle than having to potentially defend who I am to someone who thinks they know better.

There was not a moment that I struggled with my sexuality it was more that I struggled to remain strong in who I was, I struggled to speak up. I let people say and do horrible things to me but in a way I’m glad it all happened because it made me who I am today and also confirmed what I already knew to be true.

I don’t care what you do in your life and who you choose to have sex with just respect that I like men and their penises and that I don’t like women in any romantic fashion whatsoever. I am not a homophobic person for saying this and that would be fucking ridiculous since most of my friends aren’t straight.

Oh but this is like when someone who isn’t black but has many black friends uses the n word right? “Just because you have those friends doesn’t mean you can say that, and you definitely are a hater” type of thing?

Ok so whatever call me what you want and think what you want but I know myself and I don’t really give a fuck if you think I’m something I’m not. 🙂 I’m still going to say what I want.

Can I not be who I am without someone trying to “bend” me or to “turn” me? Can you not just accept that you aren’t what I want or need and never will be simply because of your gender? And can’t that just be that and nothing deeper?

The amount of hate I could imagine I would receive if I said this outloud on a speaker for all to here is immense.

Just leave me be as I am and don’t try to shove anything that I don’t want down my throat? Let us develop what we will develop together in a healthy and natural manner but do know that my lustful interests lay with men and men only and it’s not all and any men, sheesh. Just because I like men doesn’t mean I want them all over me too!

That is JUST ME. And just because I say a woman looks hot or pretty or beautiful or whatever the fuck I want to say about another woman does not mean that I want you to try to force yourself all over me. I don’t even want men to force themselves on me like let shit happen the way it’s supposed to happen if it was supposed to happen. ugh.

I’m just getting fucking tired of all of this bullshit with sexuality like respect mine like I respect yours. I don’t go telling people the shit I am hearing so why do I hear it? I don’t force you to be like me… just do your thing and let me do mine?!

It’s just so funny how this actually got on my nerves because I used to be flattered or something but now I’m just feeling a whole lot of disrespect.

If I say no it means no, right? It doesn’t mean try another tactic. It doesn’t mean get mad and bad towards me. It doesn’t mean I hate you it just means no, what you got is not for me. And this is to anyone I say No, Thanks to.

Wow.

being used…

As if I can’t notice it. Or as if I can’t sniff it out before it’s about to happen. And as if I am not guilty of using them for my own satisfaction. But I’m tired of it. As usual, when I’m starting to be done with something I become tired of it first. Rarely do I ever regain energy or faith in something that “I’m tired of”…

So it has now begun with someone who considers me close to them yet I wonder why they insist on hating on my lifestyle whenever theirs becomes a bit chaotic. Handle your shit, friend. Don’t come in my home and try to flip all my belongings everywhere.

Calm your house down and then wipe your feet before you step in mine.

But nope, so I ask myself why?

Because I’m easy. Duh. And I like it that way but I don’t like it when people think they can get away with using me without giving me something I want. Yeah – it’s like that. I’m not going to let you suck on me if I’m not going to have a taste of something from you. Bad deal.

I don’t wanna be dragged around by this person anymore – I am not a doll to use as an example – so next time they use me I’m going to shove a rotting onion down their throat as a warning that I’ve noticed and that I’m becoming tired of it.

If they change their shit then it’s fine because we all do things to each other that we shouldn’t necessarily do and sometimes without realizing, it just shouldn’t be your fucking goal or main thing you like to do to someone. Go get some help!

You can tell when people are using you when you tend to be the one who is giving more than you receive. Giving out of goodness and generosity is great but if you notice that you’re always the one paying more for certain things, or the only one supplying… *buzzer noise* just stop, and don’t give any more.

People who are using you like to take from you, they manipulate you into thinking that you’re benefiting off of it or they approach you at a certain time where you may not notice they are leeching from you. They use you against yourself. Be aware. That’s key. Once you see then it’s harder for them because you’ll be on the cautionary mode, and you’ll be able to put your foot down when you think something is unfair.

And if it always seems unfair, well, the world is full of so many amazing people. You may have to relocate, join a club, go out in the world and find the right type of people because THEY EXIST. You just have to go through a bit of trial and error! Wade through the crappy crowds til you find your comrades.

These users may give you 25% while you’ve given 100%. And they’ll make you feel like they gave 250%. But they’re just tricking you because they’re cheap thieves and they want what you got without giving equally.

If you like to give and you don’t mind at all then you’re really one of a kind but if you’re like me, where you don’t have much to give yet you like to share where you can, be careful. Be careful anyway because vultures are always on patrol and they flock together, making sure they’ve all acquired what they’ve scoured for.

I have let myself be used because I wanted to be liked and accepted.

I have been hurt and thought that letting people do what they want to me would be a better feeling than losing the fight of trying to get what I deserve.

I let people use me because I did not care about myself but now, after feeling like a dirty washcloth for too long, I simply refuse.

If I feel like all they do is take from me, I’m not going to give them the gift of my presence and therefore they cannot continue with their shit.

That was unexpected…

Just short,

My cousin told me she found out my aunt was cheating on her dad so she told her dad, it’s so weird because I always thought he was the one doing the shady stuff but it was her.

I mean, I am pretty sure he is doing it but that’s just a thought. My cousin actually saw what was going on and immediately felt like she had to tell my uncle.

So my uncle wants a divorce which I thought was really sudden. Is he that hurt by it? I don’t particularly care to ask him how he feels about it because he was such a jerk to me for so long, on purpose, he was always trying to bruise me in some way even when I said that I did not like it. Even when he saw how much I was hurting.

I don’t know exactly the specifics or anything like that about my aunt and uncle but he is leaving her, he has enough money to get a new apartment he said. And he will leave my aunt with the house, she will be fine in all aspects.

She looked pretty satisfied.

I thought she would be some other way because she got caught but like I said, it really seemed like my uncle was also cheating so maybe it was some kind of payback. Maybe my aunt knew it because my aunt isn’t an idiot. I have actually no idea.

I just don’t get that if my uncle was doing that then why is he so butthurt about my aunt? They’re both two dirty doers to each other so what’s the problem then? Maybe he’s just like “why am I even bothering staying if I’m with other people and she is too”, I don’t even care. That’s their thing to figure out.

My situation will be fine. The same. My uncle was barely home so it won’t make a difference except for that when I do go out, I know I will be returning to peace and pain-free.

My cousins are all talking about it but I’m just ignoring it because I don’t see why I should give them any opinions or feelings of it more than I have. I get it, when family atmosphere is shifting, it can be a rocky and wild time but that’s just life. Nothing is perfect and not much is set in stone. Also, shit happens. What are you gonna do about it, then?

My aunt brought home a few bottles of wine and was chatting with some people she invited over…I think she is actually relieved. I don’t blame her. She deserves to be happy even if she isn’t the “best” person. I don’t like it if people were to exist in a state of always feeling like they can never get what they want. So, she got what she wanted and she seems pleased.

I don’t expect this to change her attitude towards me but I’m going to keep on doing what I need to do, as usual, and hope I don’t hurt anyone while I’m doing it… all that stuff..

My stepmom is always feeling sick, because of the pregnancy. She can barely eat or do anything without feeling like she is going to vomit but she can eat some liquid stuff and ice-cream etc. So I am going to make her some for when I see her next because I think I like to cook more than I allow myself to. And I would like to make her feel better while she is creating this new life!

Hope life is treating you right, hope you find good people whose smiles make you stare and smile and feel all happy and warm. Hope you find some people that just get you and know how to keep you calm and excite you in all the right ways. Hope you continue to choose to do things you feel are good for you even if you are nervous or scared and to follow the feelings you have in your gut and to actually try to trust the people that seem to want to be in your life, if you have general trust issues, because if someone has not yet done something to make you believe they’re not worthy of your trust then that is unfair to them (and you), bye for now.

It’ll be alright because I want it to…

So the strangest thing happened and it’s so strange because it’s rare and by rare I mean it’s like eating the cow alive instead of butchering it and cooking the meat until it’s still pink and bleeding- my cousin I used to share a room with gave ME some ADVICE.

And it was like she actually cared about me for a second.

She saw me crying. Something is going on lately that has me crying and I really hate crying, I also hate crying when other people can see me!

So she came in my tiny room and she looked at me and I almost screamed at her to get out, or I would have pushed her out and closed the door but I was too crippled by the ugly crying.

She came closer to me and told me that I need to be stronger because she knows that I am a strong person. She told me some personal things I’ve been through and tried to remind me of how I was, despite the stuff her and her family told me.

She said one reason why she is so mean to me is because she knows I’m easy to be mean to because she knows I’m sensitive. She said that she didn’t really mean it when she would say that hurtful stuff even if I didn’t believe her.

I don’t believe her because it has gone on for so long but I decided to listen to her because this was weird and why was she doing it?

She asked me why am I crying, what happened. Of course I did not tell her because I don’t trust her. The last time I opened up to her she used it against me because she got in trouble for something and needed “something worse” to take the spotlight so she could continue on with her bullshit.

Anyway, basically she did kind of help me to remember my strength and to listen to my own intuition and respect it no matter what. She then started to tell me some stuff about my aunt like I’m supposed to feel sorry for my aunt but forget about that. The stuff she told me just made me want to have a steel spine from now on. As if my cousin would try to justify my aunt’s behavior or try to protect her in some way. I have no space for any of that crap from that family so whatever she has to say goes right out my ear and makes me believe in what I already have in my mind even more.

I can’t say that I appreciate her coming in to “check on me” because it simply is just that, she’s checking to see what’s up to use for later and fuck that.

But what if she is actually changing? No way. That’s an inch over the impossible line… she’s just watching out for herselfishself and it’s nothing more than an act because of her past actions.

She wants what she wants and she doesn’t care if you’re bleeding from your eyeballs, if it benefits her she will let you lose all your blood while she watches you and these types of people are never any good.

I’ve learned to suffer in silence but it doesn’t really help much. Probably you’ve noticed I post less or it’s about different stuff or kind of worded weirder than usual and that’s because the world loves it when we are suffering. But suffering in silence hurts the self more. So what I’ve been doing is what I said I would do which means I focus more on that than on wanting to complain. I’m not saying I have found the cure or completely healed myself but I’m definitely well on my way and I do have to say that a small tiny portion of what my cousin had to say was useable.

She is right that I am strong and crying does not mean that I am weak and being hurt by others doesn’t mean I am an idiot it just shows more about the people with shit agendas.

I have glued my guns to my hands so I’m sticking with them, and it feels good. I don’t go shooting people for no reason and I’m not really planning on doing it unless it is required, unless there’s an honest reason so

If you hear of my firearms going off just ask yourself why

Why did she need to squeeze her triggers?

Crying isn’t weakness and if your eyes leak it ain’t a sign of anything other than you being a human with valid feelings and

what I have learned so far is that there are people who get a boner when your eyes leak but

that isn’t any of your business.

Your business is simply to be the best most beautiful version of yourself and to spread that all over everywhere like the tastiest sandwich spread you can find.

Who doesn’t like a good sandwich with a nice spread on it?

So spread yourself… in a healthy way that makes you feel good and doesn’t hurt people.

One day you’re going to have to face all you’ve done so do the best you can and live honestly and learn to love yourself.